“We don’t know exactly why uplifted individuals such as yourself are developing this condition.” 

                “Depends from case to case. Some have continued to live without symptoms, but most aren’t so lucky.”

                “By my guess, maybe three months to a year.”​

                “I’m sorry.”​

                The passengers on the train watch me without looking at me. It always confuses me why humans do that. It’s only the adults that do it. Their young will stare at me with blank, expressionist eyes, but the adults always look away, trying to stare at anything except me. 

                The train slows to a stop. As I walk out the door, I see one of them that I was standing next to fan the air in front of them. She probably doesn’t know that I’m watching her as she does it. It's not even an unpleasant smell, just not human. 

                I climb up the staircase to the surface. The shadows of the buildings around me shade the street. A forest of rectangular pillars, hostile to all life save for a small handful of species. As I walk down the street, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window. A ragged and torn shirt and pants cloak me. My body is a hodgepodge of broken proportions that passes neither as human or animal. Artificial muscles bulge from my stubby arms and legs, and short matted wool covers my neck and torso. My head is the only half-normal thing about me, and it is also the least human. With the exception of the artificial vocal cords bulging from my throat, my head looks like any other sheep. 

                I only have hazy memories from before the procedure. A jumbled web of blurry images, their context or placement long since forgotten, like remnants of a dream hours after waking. But the memories since then are all too real. That horrible moment of becoming cognizant and waking to find four other beings equally horrified as me replays in my mind each day I wake. 

                I stare at my hideous reflection, an unholy melding of science and nature. I have no idea what I looked like before, but maybe that doesn’t matter. Soon it will be as it was, as it should’ve been. Just as long as I look like a normal sheep, it will be alright. 

                I continue down the street, before stopping in front of a white-bricked apartment building. I ring the doorbell for apartment 02B. A little light above the doorbell blinks on before then turning off, and I hear the front door unlock. I go up the stairs, walk down the hallway, and knock on the door.

                A woman with straight black hair wearing a long sleeve cotton blouse opens the door. It takes me a few seconds before I realize that the woman is Mary. She certainly looks better than the last time I saw her, back when her head looked like a rubber mask of a human face stretched over a smashed sheep’s skull. I am caught off guard by how human she looks. In fact, everything about her looks perfectly normal. Well, almost everything. 

                “Your neck’s still too wide.” I comment. 

                “Nice to see you too, Edward.” she responds in a sarcastic tone, a storm of emotions brewing behind her now human eyes. “Glad I could see you again.” she says as she begins to close the door. 

                “Wait!” I yell, throwing my leg in the door. “I’m here to say goodbye.” 

                Mary pauses in the doorway.

                “Goodbye for what?” She mumbles in a quiet voice. 

                “I found someone willing to… change me back.” I tell her.  

                She takes a step back and her lip quivers slightly. She then gives a slight nod before opening the door to let me in. 

                The apartment is small yet uncluttered, like a picture of an apartment you would see in an interior design magazine. It reminds me of a stage play, where every item in the room seems to have been placed there with planning or purpose. 

                “You want some coffee?” Mary asks, moving towards the small kitchen. 

                “No.” I tell her, turning my attention to a small framed picture sitting on the drawer by the door. It was Mary, looking as she did now, sitting on a park bench next to another woman with their arms wrapped around one another. 

                “Whose this?” I ask. Mary flicks her head over, then walks over to the drawer, grabs the picture off of it, and carries it with her back to the kitchen

                “Someone I met.” she says, sticking the framed picture facedown in the corner of the counter. 

                “Does she know?” I ask. Mary turns her back on me as she begins to fill the kettle with water. 

                “Does she know you’re not human?” I ask again. 

                “Probably not yet.” Mary responds. “I’m going to tell her, just when the time is right.”

                “You can’t keep living a lie.” I say. 

                Mary sets down the kettle and crosses her arms. “Look, if you’re just here to insult me, then you can leave, okay?” She says, with her back still facing me. 

                She then sighs and places the kettle on the stove. She backs into the corner of the kitchen, and stares at the stove, avoiding my eye contact like the people on the train. 

                “I’m getting the operation tomorrow. I found a guy in Trelawny willing to do it.” I say. 

                “You really think he’ll be able to undo the procedure?” she asks, not taking her eyes off the kettle. 

                “He’s a former brain surgeon.” I answer. “He’s probably the most qualified person to do it.” 

                Mary continues to stare at the stove, before straightening up and turning to face me. 

                “So, you won’t remember anything?” She asks. “You’re just going to go back to being an animal?” 

                “As it should’ve been.” I respond

                “So you’re effectively killing yourself?” 

                “I’m killing a part of me that wasn’t meant to be.” 

                “Even the memory of Sarah?” she asks

                I pause and narrow my eyes. “It’s what Sarah would’ve wanted.” I say. 

                Mary bites her lip and takes another glance at the stove. “Look, I know you’ve had a hard time with this just like all of us, but I think there’s better ways of dealing with this.”

                “Like living a lie?” I ask. 

                The corners of Mary’s mouth become taught, as she forces back a grimace. 

                “I know you won’t accept it, but we are human. When they tinkered with our brains, they gave us human thoughts, thoughts that only humans could have. I just want my body to match my brain, that’s all this ever was.” 

                My mind floods with a million jabs and insults I could hurl at her, ways that I could tear down everything she saw herself as. But as I looked into her human eyes I could see that same scared vulnerability that I saw when I first met her; that scared ewe coming into awareness of itself and the world for the first time, trying to figure out what the hell it was even supposed to be. 

                “You’re pathetic” I respond, before turning my back on her and exiting the apartment. 

***

                No one is on the elevator as I reach the 31st floor. The doors part and open into an orange and gray room. In the center is a large white desk, with a receptionist sitting behind it. The receptionist is another uplifted sheep, just like me. Unlike me however, their wool has been shaved, and they are stuffed uncomfortably into a dress shirt, with the top two buttons undone in order to fit their enormous neck. A floral scent permeates the air, likely trying to conceal any possible sheep smell. Above the receptionist is a large glass sign with the words “Gordon and Darrow Attorneys”. 

                “I need to see George.” I tell the receptionist.

                “Mr. Darrow is very busy right now.” the receptionist responds. “You will need an appointment to speak to him.” 

                “Call him. Tell him I’m here.” I respond. 

                The receptionist glares at me with their slit eyes, and picks up the phone with their half-finger, half hoofed hand. “Your friend is here to see you.” they say into it, moving the phone between their ear and their mouth. The receptionist waits a few moments, then hangs up. “He says he can spare a few minutes.” 

                I turn and walk straight into the office, passing between rows of cubicles of busy workers, many of whom briefly turn their heads at me before craning back to avoid making eye-contact. I reach George’s office and open the door. George sits behind his desk. While he certainly looks better dressed than the receptionist, wearing a suit and tie tailored specifically for his proportions, he still appeared to sit awkwardly in his desk chair, which was clearly not designed for someone with the awkward proportions of an uplifted. 

                “It’s been awhile Ed.” George says with a fake smile. I nod and slump into one of the chairs facing the desk. 

                “Still working to get more settlement money?” I ask sarcastically. 

                George forces a chuckle. “We’re done with the settlements for now.” He says. “We’re partnering with a few other firms to try to get the courts to make intelligence-augmenting animal experimentation illegal.”

                “They told me it was already illegal.” I respond.

                “For unauthorized experimentation, yes, but not for other cases. We’re due for a prefectural court hearing next month, and depending on how that goes, we might even make it to the high court.” he informs me.  

                “I’m sure Nell won’t be happy with that.” I respond. 

                George sits back in his chair. “Probably not, but that’s just her and her organization. I’m sure the rest of us will agree that it's necessary that we prevent what happened to us from ever happening again.”  

                George leans forward and picks up a paper from his desk. “So what do you need to see me about?”

                “I’m getting the procedure reversed.” I tell him. 

                George chuckles without looking up from his work. “When have I hear that one before?” 

                “I found someone willing to do it. I’m leaving tomorrow.” 

                George pauses what he’s doing and looks up. “Are you serious?” 

                I nod my head. “I found a doctor in Trelawny who's going to do it tomorrow.”

                “Doctor? What kind of doctor?” 

                “He’s a former neurosurgeon.”

                “Former?!” George scoffs. “Ed, what… why are you… ”

                He stops speaking and stares blankly at me. He then leans back into his chair and crosses his arms as a smug smile crosses his face. “Okay, say that this doctor can undo the procedure, then what?” 

                “The doctor told me he has a cousin who owns a goat and sheep farm," I answer. "He says he’ll move me there.”

                “So, that’s it? You’re just going to become livestock?” he asks. 

                “That’s what we were before.”

                “Christ…” George mutters under his breath. “You know, what happened to us was horrible, but what you’re doing is insane! You’re basically lobotomizing yourself!”

                “I’ve already made up my mind. I came here to say goodbye.”

                “Okay, why are you really doing this? Did something happen? Are you sick? Do you need money?” 

                “In case you forgot, I’ve been saying this since we first got uplifted.” I respond. 

                “You have, but why now? We’ve been free for nearly 5 years. Is it...” George freezes, as he recollects his thoughts. “Is it because of Sarah?” 

                “Enough!” I yell. “I’m doing this because I want to!” 

                George stares at me, his mouth agape. He leans forward. “Listen, Sarah’s diagnosis was hard for all of us, but you shouldn’t be killing yourself because of it.”

                “Sarah wanted to get the procedure reversed.”

                “That’s besides the point.” He says. “We’ve been forced into this life against our will, but we have to make due with what we have.” 

                “By pretending to be a lawyer?”

                George glares at me. “I’m trying to make sure that what they put us through never happens again. But doing that requires me to work with others to prevent—”

                “You think they’ll respect you because you wear a tie and talk like they do? They’ll never respect you!” I interrupt. “You think that sitting in an office, wearing their clothes, cramming your body full of medication to hide your scent will make them see you as more than just some barnyard animal deserving of pity? You’re more delusional than Mary! At least she pretends to be human and tries to disguise herself as one!” 

                “I am not delusional and neither is Mary, or anyone else for that matter! We’re all trying to cope with what happened to us. You, on the other hand, are the delusional one, thinking that lobotomizing yourself back into a sheep will solve all your issues!” George shouts. “Even Sarah told me after her diagnosis that she accepted things as they were.” 

                I stand up from my chair. “Well then she was being delusional too.” I respond, before walking and throwing open the door. “Goodbye George.” 

                George tries to yell back at me, but I slam the door before he can get a word out. I see everyone’s heads turn toward me, before shifting back to their work. I begin my journey back to the elevator, when suddenly, I feel a strange numbness followed by a burning sensation in my leg. Soon, a ringing sound begins to fill my ears, as my other leg goes numb as well. My vision starts the swirl, becoming foggy and distorted, like a reflection in a murky river. The ringing gets louder, piercing my eardrums, screaming into my brain. The burning spreads like a wildfire in a dry forest, consuming my torso. Right before my vision completely dims, I realize that I am falling to the floor. I yell out in agony, and then… darkness. 

***

                I wake up in an unfamiliar bed surrounded by mint blue curtains. The curtains part and a doctor in a dirty white coat approaches me. Before I can say anything, she tells me to hold still and shines a light into both of my eyes. “Seems like it was just a thalamus flash.” she says. “The nurse should be able to get you out in a few minutes.” 

                “Who brought me here?” I ask, groggily. 

                “Your colleague, Mr. Darrow.” She responds. “He already left, but there’s someone else who will take you home.” The doctor then quickly writes something down on the clipboard by my bed and leaves. Just then, a familiar white face appears.

                “Hello Eddy.” Nell replies. She is wearing a purple wool sweater, but not one a human would wear. The sweater looked more like a toga, made specifically for an uplifted. Numerous piercings dangled from her ears, and the wool on her head was dyed navy. 

                “What are you doing here?” I ask. 

                “I bumped into George in the hallway, and I’m going to take you home as soon as the nurse comes back.”

                “Don’t bother.” I respond. “I’m not going home.” 

                “You should rest.” She replies, as she brings up a stool to sit on. “How long ago were you diagnosed?”

                I mutter, “A week ago."

                “I’m sorry.” she responds. “First Sarah, now you. It's so unfair.” 

                “It doesn’t matter.” I say. “I was going to say goodbye to you anyways.” 

                “Goodbye for what?”

                “I’m getting the procedure undone. Tomorrow”

                Nell pauses a moment, then nods her head. “Well, I guess it's what will make you happy.” 

                Nell’s response catches me off guard. Before I can respond however, a nurse walks into the room, mutters a few words to Nell, then tells me I’m free to go. As we exit the hospital, Nell leans over to me. “So where do you want me to drop you off?”

                “For what?” 

                “You said you’re getting the procedure undone, I assume you need to travel somewhere.” She casually replies. 

                “The guy who’s doing it is picking me up at the station tonight.” I answer. “You understand what I’m doing, right?” 

                “I assume you’re trying to become a normal sheep again.” She responds. 

                “And you’re in favor of it?”

                “You’ve been talking about it as soon as you got out. I might not understand it, but if you think it will help you I have no right to interfere with you.” 

                We hop into her car and drive to her apartment. Unlike all the other cars I have been in, this one seems custom made specifically for Nell. The brake and gas pedals had been moved up closer to the driver’s seat in order to make it easier to reach, and the seats themselves were angled and set in ways that made them more comfortable to sit in. We drive in silence until we reach her apartment. Unlike Mary’s, Nell’s apartment was cluttered with paintings, art, books, magazines, and papers. Just like the car, all the furniture was designed with an uplifted sheep in mind. As Nell sets her things on the counter, I notice a pile of boxes: on them is a picture of a small caged bed that humans put their newborns in. 

                “Why were you at the hospital?’ I ask Nell. 

                Nell hesitates for a moment. “I want children.”

                “Human children?” I ask. She cocks her head at me and continues to unpack her things. 

                “No!” I yell. 

                “I have every right to have my own children —”

                “Do you not remember what they did to us?” I scream. “They mutilated and tortured us, and you want to do that to others?”

                “I want to give them the gift of consciousness, not imprison them” she spouts out. 

                “W-what?”

                “The evil of what happened to us wasn’t that they uplifted us, it's that they imprisoned us after and still treated us like animals. I don’t want a pet, I want children.” 

                “Fuck! What is wrong with you?” I bellow. 

                “I’m going to give my children a loving home, and treat them like the uplifted people they are.”

                “You are messing with nature just like they did to us, this isn’t right!” I yell. 

                “Look, not all of us want to return to being sheep. I for one am happy that I was given consciousness and self-awareness.” 

                “This can't be real!”

                “Look, you can fulfill your dream of returning to an ignorant sheep, I can fulfill mine of raising my own children, does that seem fair?”

                I look at her with loathing. She stares back at me, her eyes narrowing. 

                She asks, “Why are you really here?”

                I snap at her. “I told you, I’m getting the procedure, and I was going to say goodbye to you.” 

                “No you weren’t.” She responds. 

                “I was! I already said goodbye to George and Mary-.” 

                “Bullshit, you’re not here for goodbyes, you’re here for assurance. You’re using us to convince yourself to go through with it!” She shouts at me. 

                I stare at her confused, before then letting out a large laugh. 

               Nell continues. “You want validation, that’s why you went to us.” 

                My face grimaces in confusion. “What, why would I want to get validation from you guys? Aren’t you all against this?”

                “You have hesitations, and so rather than confront those hesitations yourself, you come to us to argue with us, so as to make your convictions stronger.” Nell replies. “You haven't talked to any of us recently. Furthermore, you never plan anything, only fantasize about doing things! You came here not because you made up your mind, but to try to motivate yourself to actually do it, even though we both know you won’t!”

                I narrow my eyes. “Who are you to tell me how I think!” I bark at her. “You don’t know how I’ve suffered, how I dwell—”

                “Remember when you said you were going to get revenge against the scientists who uplifted us?” she interrupts. “When we were in that cage, you talked incessantly about stabbing our handler with his sheers. Remember? The one with the balding hairline and the glasses? Yet, that one day when his shears fell out of his bag and landed next to you, you froze and just stood there, staring at them. You never wanted to take revenge, but only fantasized about it. And when we were freed and Sarah discussed undoing the procedure, you clung to that fantasy as well.” 

                I stare at her menacingly. Who is she to say this, to tell me who I am? Part of me wants to yell at her, to grab her by her wooly brow and slam her into the wall. My heart races and my breath quickens.

                “You selfish little rat. You’re one to talk! Considering that you’re thinking of mutilating for your own selfish ends I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” I shout at her as I turn to leave. “You’re incapable of loving anyone but yourself. You’d make a terrible mother!” 

               She yells back, “You’re incapable of doing anything for yourself. You’d make a great sheep.” 

                I grab the door handle and fling the door open. “Goodbye Nellie.” 

                “See you later.” She responds, as I slam the door shut behind me. 

***

                The park bench is uncomfortable to lie on, but I don’t care. Between the tree leaves, I can see the lights of the skyscrapers and highrises that surround the park; Artificial stars for a city unable to see the real ones. Even in twilight, people continued to walk and jog past me. Judging by the sky it’s probably around 8:30. Is the doctor waiting at the station, or did he leave the moment he realized I wasn’t there? Maybe if I leave now I could catch him before he goes.

                I continue to lie on the bench. A police officer approaches me, and tells me to go somewhere else. I groan and get up, and wander down the path towards the large lake in the center of the park. About 10 yards from me, a couple, one of whom is an uplifted, sits peacefully by the lake, staring at the watery plain. As I approach the lake, I look down into it to see my reflection. In the murky waters, a dirty miserable lamb stares back at me. A sheep in coward's clothing. 

                As I walk back from the lake, I make a new plan. Nell is wrong about me. I will get the procedure undone, and I will return to that happy state where everything made sense. 

                Someday I will do it. 

                Someday.